I own more stuff, more things, more objects, more junk the longer I live here. It feels kinda weird.
I now own 5 DVDs.
- About a Boy
- The Brothers Solomon
- Lost in Translation
- The TV Set
- Venture Brothers, Season 2
the second is slightly embarassing, the last is my favorite cartoon.

This life has been a lot better.
Last week I was in a deep fog, for days. The kind that I have been in many times. Somehow it was different, I let it affect me even at work. I didn't think I could make it out alone. Luckily, I didn't have to :)

I will begin going to a small group, hopefully this week.
I will keep this job until I find a better one. I will have success at my upcoming interview, God willing.
I will get busy working on this charity bike ride.

I am thinking about love. No surprise since Valentine's Day is coming up, I guess.
What does it mean?
What does it do?
What does it look like?

also, this picture is from the bowels of the xanga. haha.

today would have been two years.
im not sure how it makes me feel.
in the past, i would have answered
*set back
*sad
*depressed
Now, I think I can say
*thankful
*a little less sad

I try to think of reasons for why things are the way they are. I don't dwell on it but, i find my thoughts veering there while I'm at work. The job is so brainless. It is some form of entertainment to search inside my head and wonder and muse about all kinds of things from the past and to wonder how the future might be.

What I had, I don't want. Who I was, I can become better.

Slowly, I am drifting towards the future with the realization that there is STILL alot of time left. Time operates on my schedule. Not the schedule I imposed on myself because I thought it would be normal and would bring happiness.

I start to think... what is it that God knows about my life? If he knew I would destroy something beautiful.... why did he let certain things cross my path in the first place? Free will, yes. But there is some stronger hand he has had in bringing certain people into my life.

I have lost a lot but, I would be foolish to not recognize what that loss has taught me.

I lost C. to show me what love looks like deep inside. Though I never believed him, I know now it was true. The more I learn about this thing that used to seem so simple, the more i recognize the lack of it within me and the abundance of it within him.

I lost K. to learn how to be a friend. How to still love someone when we hate what they do. And how it feels when this is not tried. Nothing is more important than this. Wake up! People are hurting everywhere and they need you. What are we without that kind of love, or at least an attempt at it?

I am truly sorry that I just didn't get it. I am sorry that I hurt you.

With that, it is time to move on and make something beautiful out of this.